Staff and boys ordered to communicate exclusively in Latin, chaos ensues by lunch An Ambitious Pedagogical Experiment The Classics Department at Eton has launched what it is calling Immersion Fortnight, a two-week initiative under which all staff and boys enrolled in Latin are required to communicate exclusively in the language during lessons, meals, and, controversially, games. Head of Classics Dr.…
The new system was rolled out following what staff are calling “the most stressful forty seconds of the entire term” WINDSOR Eton College’s famously chaotic tuck shop confirmed this week it will introduce a digital queuing app following an incident in which several Fourth Formers nearly came to blows over the day’s final flapjack, an event staff are now…
The revelation came out only after a recording of Evensong was accidentally played back at half speed WINDSOR Eton College’s chapel choir confirmed this week that one chorister has apparently been silently miming the demanding descant part during Evensong for three consecutive terms, a discovery that only came to light after a recording was accidentally played back at half…
The defeat reportedly occurred in front of both parents and has not been mentioned since WINDSOR The president of Eton College’s Debating Society, widely regarded within the school as its most formidable arguer, confirmed this week that he was decisively out-argued by his considerably younger brother over Sunday lunch, a defeat that occurred in front of both parents and…
The discovery came during a routine inventory check ahead of this year’s Fourth of June celebrations WINDSOR Eton College confirmed this week that its oldest rowing trophy, awarded annually since the eighteen-sixties, has apparently been missing from the display cabinet since 1987, a gap of nearly four decades that went entirely unnoticed until a junior member of staff conducting…
Decades of experience have apparently given her an almost supernatural ability to detect a forged stomach ache WINDSOR A longtime matron at Eton College confirmed this week that her decades of service have produced what colleagues describe as an almost supernatural ability to distinguish a genuine stomach ache from one strategically timed to coincide with a Latin vocabulary test,…
Housemasters cite three separate hat-related casualties during morning service New Headwear Compliance Officer Appointed Eton College has confirmed the creation of a new administrative post, Deputy Master of Headwear Compliance, following what the school is calling “the Tuesday chapel gale,” an incident in which four top hats were dislodged during the recessional hymn and one was never recovered. Housemaster Gerald…
Pupil’s Habit of Meditating While Waiting for the School Minibus Baffles Fellow Passengers | A genuine commitment to mindfulness has extended into a setting nobody else considered particularly suitable
Staff say the vague ambition has proven surprisingly difficult to build an actual careers plan around WINDSOR Eton College’s careers office confirmed this week that it has fielded seventeen separate requests this term from boys whose stated career ambition amounts, in the office’s own words, to simply “being generally important,” a goal staff admit has proven considerably harder to…
Both societies insist the other started it, and neither will confirm what “it” actually was WINDSOR Eton College confirmed this week that its Debating Society and Chess Club, previously on cordial terms, are now formally not speaking following an escalating dispute over shared bookings for the same Tuesday evening room, with both societies insisting the other started the conflict…
Investigators say the operation involved a genuinely sophisticated exchange rate between subjects WINDSOR Eton College confirmed this week that a Fifth Form boy has been quietly operating what staff are calling a “genuinely sophisticated” homework trading network out of a corner table in the school library since the start of the autumn term, complete with an internally consistent exchange…
Historians say this is now longer than several actual wars WINDSOR Eton College confirmed this week that its famously obscure Wall Game, played annually along a specific brick wall since the eighteenth century, ended once again in a scoreless draw, extending an unbroken streak that school historians note is now considerably longer than several actual historical wars. What The…
Rival houses have called for an official inquiry into what they’re calling “genetic favoritism” WINDSOR Eton College confirmed this week that one house has won the school’s Interhouse Choir Competition for an unbroken twenty years, a streak rival houses now allege stems from what they’re calling “genetic favoritism,” after discovering the winning choir has drawn its strongest voices almost…
The dissenting two members have reportedly not spoken to anyone since the vote WINDSOR The Eton College Debating Society voted overwhelmingly this week that the school’s centuries-old motto has been mistranslated in assemblies, prize-givings, and at least one plaque for as long as anyone currently enrolled can remember, following what members are calling “the single most consequential division bell…
Housemasters confirm the redesign followed a formal complaint submitted entirely in Latin WINDSOR Eton College announced this week that its famously restrictive tailcoat uniform will be updated for the first time in decades, offering Lower Sixth boys what administrators are calling a “slightly less suffocating” fit, following a formal complaint submitted, entirely in Latin, by a student widely known…
Family Dinner’s Shared Serving Dish Was Genuinely, Consistently Claimed by the Same Enthusiastic Relative | A meal intended for equal sharing developed its own, entirely predictable distribution pattern
Pupil’s Umbrella Turned Genuinely, Spectacularly Inside Out the Moment He Actually Crossed the Quad | A brief gust of wind produced considerably more dramatic destruction than the walk should have required
The oversight, described by staff as “genuinely unprecedented,” required an emergency search through three separate equipment cupboards WINDSOR A closely anticipated inter-house football fixture was delayed a full forty minutes this week after both competing teams arrived at the pitch to discover, with mutual and growing horror, that neither side had actually brought a match ball, each having assumed,…
What began as a lighthearted practice debate exercise reportedly touched a nerve considerably rawer than organizers anticipated WINDSOR A practice debate motion intended purely as a warm-up exercise for Eton’s junior debating society, “This House Believes The School Tuck Shop Overcharges For Toast,” passed with a unanimous vote this week, a result debate master Mr. Hollingsworth describes as “considerably…
What began as a practical suggestion about rain-soaked uniforms has somehow escalated into a full procedural dispute over society bylaws WINDSOR A seemingly modest motion proposing that Eton’s traditional tailcoats be made optional during particularly severe weather has, over the course of several increasingly heated debate society sessions, escalated into what participants are only half-jokingly calling a genuine constitutional…
Both groups insist their early start is the more punishing, and neither shows any sign of conceding the point WINDSOR A long-running, entirely good-natured rivalry has emerged between Eton’s rowing squad and its chapel choir over which group genuinely endures the more punishing early morning schedule, with both sides presenting increasingly detailed cases for why their own pre-dawn routine…
Anonymous House Survey on Most Annoying Habits Produces Surprisingly Fierce Consensus | A lighthearted poll reveals just how much a slammed door can unite a house in irritation
Crew says protest was symbolic, admits boat was also just quite old A Protest on the Water Members of Eton’s Boat Club deliberately swamped one of the club’s older training boats on the Thames on Saturday morning, in what crew members describe as a “symbolic act” over the school’s refusal to install Wi-Fi in the erging shed, where boys complete…
Boys demand transparency, brunch options, and possibly a subcommittee The Announcement That Started It All Eton’s tuck shop has removed avocado toast from its short-lived brunch menu, a decision the school says was made “on catering grounds” and which the Sixth Form Political Society insists was made “on grounds no one has adequately explained.” The dish, introduced only last half…
