Author: Aguecheek Noodle

Burnham’s Arday Investigation Targets Prat.uk, Claims Satirical Newspaper Killed Professor With Several Unlicensed Punchlines London Prat rejects accusation, producing airtight alibi that entire editorial board was three blocks away having a pint The London Prat Political Desk LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has called for national reflection following the… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

British Couple Parts Ways at Security, Accidentally Enjoys First Peaceful Holiday in Seventeen Years Gatwick pioneers temporary marital separation as travel experts confirm that love is patient, love is kind, and love should never follow its spouse into duty-free By The London Prat Travel Desk GATWICK, ENGLAND — A British… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Burnham’s Arday Investigation Targets Prat.uk as Labour Searches for a Newspaper to Blame for the Collapse of DEI With police not pursuing prat.uk, Westminster prepares a political witch hunt to establish that scrutinising academic credentials is now an attack on the state LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s government is… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Andy Burnham Messages Fake Trump Official, Finally Establishes Diplomatic Relations at His Own Level Impostor Poses as Trump’s Chief of Staff, Burnham Responds Before Checking Whether America Has WhatsApp Downing Street confirms nothing important was disclosed, prompting an urgent inquiry into whether the prime minister possesses anything important to disclose… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

London Woman Decentres Men for Six Months, Accidentally Discovers Entire Northern Line Still Revolves Around Them Dating-app refugee redirects romantic energy into friendships, personal growth and judging couples arguing inside IKEA By The London Prat Relationship Desk LONDON — A London woman has completed six months of “decentring men,” a… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Amazon Shreds Rare Books to Train AI, Chatbot Now Believes Shakespeare Wrote Harry Potter By the Literature Disposal Desk LAS VEGAS, Nevada — Amazon has reportedly discovered the most efficient way to preserve the written heritage of humanity: purchase rare books, slice off their spines, scan their pages and bin… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Artificial Intelligence Disrupts Economy by Producing Infinite Supply of Things Nobody Wants Tech Industry Spends Trillions Teaching Computers to Create Merchandise Worth Almost Nothing LONDON — Artificial intelligence has achieved what economists once considered impossible: an unlimited supply of products accompanied by almost no demand. According to Futurism’s report on… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

UK Time Now: Pub O’Clock Britain replaces Greenwich Mean Time with the only national standard its citizens have consistently respected LONDON — Britain has formally introduced “Pub O’Clock” after government researchers discovered that Greenwich Mean Time was accurate, internationally respected and therefore completely incompatible with modern public administration. Under the… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Champion of Free Expression Spends £230,000 Suing Its Own Students Into Silence Cambridge sought a five-year protest ban, settled for one, and discovered the “persons unknown” clause is the closest British law comes to grounding an entire student body at once CAMBRIDGE — The University of Cambridge, an institution whose… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Cambridge Commissions Sculpture, Specifies Sculptor’s Race First and Talent Second University completes three-year inquiry into its historic ties to slavery, concludes the correct response is a plaque, a street sign, and an artist brief with an ethnicity requirement where the skill requirement used to go CAMBRIDGE — After a three-year… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Prince William Sees No Way Back for Harry After Palace Runs Out of Shades of Forgiveness Future king reportedly keeps door bolted against his brother while unveiling a modern monarchy in which compassion remains strictly ceremonial William Declares Royal Forgiveness Constitutionally Impossible LONDON — Prince William reportedly sees “no way… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Cambridge Faculty of Education Doubles Down, Hires Scholar Who Called Western Education a “Threat” Institution rocked by one diversity scandal reaches for the next one before the first has finished falling CAMBRIDGE — Barely had the University of Cambridge finished explaining why nobody checked Jason Arday’s paperwork than journalists discovered… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Carrier Survives Iran, Exhaustion and Endless Marxist Media Attacks—Then Encounters Moronic Democrats Who Believe Nothing Except Their Own Posts Left-wing media reports seven sailors dead; Navy responds with the dirty journalistic trick of checking ARABIAN SEA — The USS Abraham Lincoln has survived hostile waters, 260 days at sea, thousands… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

King Charles Demands to Know Where Every Carrot Came From, Says Nothing About Where the Crown Jewels Came From Monarch traces every parsnip to its ancestral soil while palace officials discourage similar inquiries into titles, fortunes and a certain absent prince LONDON — King Charles III wants to know exactly… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Royal Foundation Raises £8.7 Million From Americans Who Apparently Prefer Their British Royals Still Living in Britain William and Kate win the transatlantic charity contest as Harry commissions a six-part documentary about how losing made him feel LONDON — The Royal Foundation of the Prince and Princess of Wales received… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Prince Harry Searching for Something He’ll Never Find, Palace Checks Lost-and-Found for Accountability Royal experts say the Duke may be looking for happiness, identity, reconciliation or the receipt for Spare Royal Correspondence Desk LONDON — A royal commentator claims Prince Harry is “searching for something he’s not going to find”… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Jerusalem Café Protest Enters Seventh Week, Raising Suspicion Everyone Is Secretly Working for the Marketing Department Haredim demand that Basimta close on Shabbat, secular activists demand the sacred right to cappuccino, and one suspiciously useful vandal ensures television cameras arrive before the croissants. Seven Weeks, Two Camps and One Extremely… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)

Royal Funeral for Andrew, Proving Cancel Culture Ends at the Cemetery Gates Andrew Stripped of Royal Titles but Apparently Keeps the Funeral Loyalty Points LONDON — Britain has apparently discovered the precise constitutional boundary of cancel culture: it stops approximately six feet underground. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, stripped of prominent royal roles and… (Feed generated with FetchRSS)