The Eton College Quote Book
100 Historical Figures Give Their Honest Opinion of Eton College (Quotes May Be Fabricated)
We rounded up one hundred of history’s biggest names, sat them down in a hypothetical drawing room overlooking the playing fields of Eton College, and asked one simple question: what do you make of the place? Some were flattering. Some were savage. A few appeared to be settling scores that had nothing to do with education at all. None of these quotes ever happened. All of them feel true.
Eton College Quotes from the Ancient World
Socrates (c. 470–399 BC)
“I know one thing: that I know nothing. Eton’s boys know one thing: that they’ll be fine regardless.”
Plato (c. 428–348 BC)
“I once imagined a perfect Republic ruled by philosopher-kings. Eton simply skipped the philosophy.”
Aristotle (384–322 BC)
“I tutored one king and changed the world. Eton tutors thousands and changes the cabinet reshuffle.”
Alexander the Great (356–323 BC)
“I conquered the known world by twenty-five. The Eton lot merely inherit it, usually by thirty.”
Homer (c. 8th century BC)
“I wrote of a ten-year siege of Troy. Eton’s houses have shorter, pettier sieges — they call them ‘debates.'”
Archimedes (c. 287–212 BC)
“Give me a lever long enough and I shall move the world. An Old Etonian merely needs a phone call.”
Julius Caesar (100–44 BC)
“I came, I saw, I conquered. They arrive, they row, they’re knighted.”
“Beware the Ides of March, and also the school’s alumni network — both arrive with knives out.”
Cleopatra (69–30 BC)
“I charmed two Roman generals with wit and ambition. Eton simply issues both at matriculation.”
Augustus (63 BC–14 AD)
“I found Rome brick and left it marble. Eton found England ordinary and left it optional.”
Marcus Aurelius (121–180)
“In my Meditations, I wrote that the obstacle is the way. At Eton, the obstacle is usually removed before you arrive at it.”
Confucius (551–479 BC)
“The superior man is modest in speech but exceeds in action. The Etonian is exceptional in speech and modest about everything else.”
Sun Tzu (c. 5th century BC)
“All warfare is based on deception. All British politics, I gather, is based on the old boys’ dinner.”
Eton College Quotes from Rome and Late Antiquity
Nero (37–68)
“They say I fiddled while Rome burned. Eton simply endows a new library while everything else burns.”
Attila the Hun (c. 406–453)
“I was called the Scourge of God. They call their headmaster ‘strict.’ We are not the same.”
Constantine the Great (272–337)
“I united an empire under one faith. Eton unites an empire under one tie pattern.”
Eton College Quotes from the Medieval World
Charlemagne (742–814)
“I could barely write my own name, yet I ruled half of Europe. These boys write beautifully and still need a spreadsheet to run a country.”
Alfred the Great (849–899)
“I famously burned the cakes while lost in thought about my kingdom. Eton boys never burn anything — someone else is paid to watch the oven.”
William the Conqueror (1028–1087)
“I took England by the sword in 1066. They’ve been quietly taking it back by the boarding house ever since.”
Genghis Khan (1162–1227)
“I built the largest contiguous empire in history through sheer will. They built a smaller one through sheer scheduling.”
Saladin (1137–1193)
“I showed mercy to my enemies at Jerusalem. Eton shows mercy to its enemies only after the merger paperwork clears.”
Richard the Lionheart (1157–1199)
“I spent six months of my ten-year reign actually in England. Eton men manage the opposite ratio and call it ‘public service.'”
Marco Polo (1254–1324)
“I traveled the Silk Road to reach China. They travel the school corridor to reach the Foreign Office.”
Geoffrey Chaucer (1343–1400)
“My Canterbury Tales gathered a knight, a miller, a pardoner, and a wife from Bath under one roof. Eton gathers only the knight’s descendants, and charges accordingly.”
Joan of Arc (1412–1431)
“I led an army at seventeen and was burned for it. They lead a nation at fifty-seven and are knighted for it. History has opinions about fairness.”
Johannes Gutenberg (1400–1468)
“I invented the printing press to spread knowledge to the masses. Eton invented the old boys’ network to keep it from them.”
Eton College Quotes from the Renaissance and Reformation
Christopher Columbus (1451–1506)
“I set sail not knowing where I’d land, or what I’d find. Eton boys set sail knowing exactly where they’ll land — usually the House of Commons.”
Leonardo da Vinci (1452–1519)
“I sketched flying machines centuries before their time. Eton simply sketches out its boys’ careers a decade in advance and calls it ‘careers guidance.'”
“I painted a smile no one has fully understood in five hundred years. The Eton smile is easier to read — it means ‘I already know how this ends.'”
Niccolò Machiavelli (1469–1527)
“I wrote that it is better to be feared than loved. Eton discovered you can simply be networked, and skip the whole debate.”
Nicolaus Copernicus (1473–1543)
“I proved the Earth revolves around the sun. The British establishment still insists Eton is the fixed point everything else orbits.”
Michelangelo (1475–1564)
“I spent four years on my back painting a ceiling. They spend five years on a bench rowing toward the same eventual Cabinet post.”
Martin Luther (1483–1546)
“I nailed ninety-five theses to a church door demanding reform. Eton’s boys nail one speech to a despatch box and call it destiny.”
Ignatius of Loyola (1491–1556)
“I founded an order built on rigorous discipline and total obedience. Eton achieved the same with slightly better tailoring.”
Henry VIII (1491–1547)
“I changed the entire religion of England because I wanted something badly enough. Eton simply teaches its boys they’ll eventually get it anyway, no schism required.”
Elizabeth I (1533–1603)
“I had the heart and stomach of a king. Eton’s finest merely have the accent and the postcode, and somehow that’s proven just as effective.”
William Shakespeare (1564–1616)
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some are simply enrolled at four months old. I never wrote that line, but I should have.”
“All the world’s a stage. Eton merely rehearses its players longer than most, and gives them better costumes.”
Galileo Galilei (1564–1642)
“And yet it moves. Eton, on the other hand, has stayed remarkably still since 1440, and somehow still wins.”
Johannes Kepler (1571–1630)
“I discovered the planets move in ellipses, not perfect circles. Eton’s boys move in one direction only: upward.”
Guy Fawkes (1570–1606)
“I tried to blow up Parliament. Eton simply fills it, generation after generation, which I now realize was the more efficient plan.”
Oliver Cromwell (1599–1658)
“I abolished the monarchy and ruled without a crown. Eton abolished nothing and somehow still produces half the men who’d wear one.”
René Descartes (1596–1650)
“I think, therefore I am. At Eton, one is, therefore one need not think quite so hard about the rest.”
Eton College Quotes from the Enlightenment and Revolution
Isaac Newton (1642–1727)
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Eton produces the action; the rest of the country provides the reaction, usually at the ballot box.”
Louis XIV (1638–1715)
“I said, ‘L’état, c’est moi.’ Eton’s boys don’t need to say it. Everyone simply assumes it and moves on.”
Peter the Great (1672–1725)
“I traveled Europe disguised as a common shipwright to learn a trade. Eton’s boys travel nowhere and still emerge running the shipping lanes.”
Jonathan Swift (1667–1745)
“I proposed eating the children of the poor as satire and was taken half-seriously. I propose Eton is satire, and I fear I’ll be taken the same way.”
Voltaire (1694–1778)
“I said we must cultivate our own garden. Eton simply inherited England’s, along with the gardener, the house, and eventually the county.”
Benjamin Franklin (1706–1790)
“I flew a kite in a storm to prove a point about electricity. Eton’s boys fly through life in fair weather and still take credit for the lightning.”
Catherine the Great (1729–1796)
“I expanded an empire through sheer nerve and better correspondence than my rivals. Eton’s alumni simply correspond with each other, and call that governing.”
James Watt (1736–1819)
“I harnessed steam to power the modern world. Eton harnessed connections, which turned out to require considerably less engineering.”
George Washington (1732–1799)
“I could not tell a lie about the cherry tree. Eton’s boys are taught, quite early, exactly which lies are survivable.”
Marie Antoinette (1755–1793)
“They say I never told the peasants to eat cake. Eton’s boys never had to say anything at all — the cake simply arrived, along with the peasants’ taxes.”
Thomas Jefferson (1743–1826)
“I wrote that all men are created equal. Eton politely disagreed, then built an entire admissions policy around the disagreement.”
William Pitt the Younger (1759–1806)
“I became Prime Minister at twenty-four, straight from these very halls. I’d call it precocious, but the school simply calls it ‘on schedule.'”
Eton College Quotes from the Napoleonic and Victorian Era
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769–1821)
“They say the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton. I’d argue it was won because Wellington had better boots, but sure, give the school the credit.”
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770–1827)
“I wrote symphonies while completely deaf. Eton’s boys write policy while completely unaware anyone outside the school exists, which is arguably the harder handicap.”
Duke of Wellington (1769–1852)
“I never actually said Waterloo was won on Eton’s playing fields — my old school never even had proper playing fields when I attended. But I appreciate the marketing.”
Jane Austen (1775–1817)
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a young man in possession of an Eton education must be in want of absolutely nothing else.”
Percy Bysshe Shelley (1792–1822)
“I was bullied mercilessly there and nicknamed ‘Mad Shelley’ for my troubles. I left, wrote ‘Ozymandias,’ and let the ruins of empire have the last word instead.”
Lord Byron (1788–1824)
“Mad, bad, and dangerous to know — that’s what they called me. Eton simply produces men who are calm, respectable, and dangerous to the national budget.”
Mary Shelley (1797–1851)
“I wrote of a creature assembled from parts and set loose upon the world, unprepared for what it had become. I’ve since heard it compared to certain graduates.”
Charles Darwin (1809–1882)
“I proposed survival of the fittest. Eton quietly perfected survival of the connected, which requires considerably less natural selection.”
Abraham Lincoln (1809–1865)
“I was born in a log cabin and read by firelight. These boys are born into a boarding house and read by gaslight, which I’m told is a meaningful upgrade.”
Edgar Allan Poe (1809–1849)
“I wrote of ravens croaking ‘Nevermore.’ At Eton, the closest equivalent is an old boy at the reunion croaking ‘Remember when.'”
Queen Victoria (1819–1901)
“We are not amused — except, apparently, by Eton, which has amused the entire British establishment for six centuries running.”
Charles Dickens (1812–1870)
“It was the best of schools, it was the best of schools — I never really needed the second half of that sentence for this one.”
Karl Marx (1818–1883)
“I wrote that the history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggle. Eton simply skipped the struggle part and got straight to the class.”
Florence Nightingale (1820–1910)
“I tended the wounded through the night with a single lamp. Eton tends its old boys for life, with a single well-lit clubhouse.”
Leo Tolstoy (1828–1910)
“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. All Eton alumni, it turns out, are happy in exactly the same way.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910)
“I said the reports of my death were greatly exaggerated. Eton’s decline has been predicted for a century and has been equally exaggerated.”
“Give a boy the right school and he needs very little else — least of all, apparently, humility.”
Ada Lovelace (1815–1852)
“I wrote the first computer algorithm before computers existed. Eton simply wrote the algorithm for producing prime ministers, and it’s run flawlessly for centuries.”
Fyodor Dostoevsky (1821–1881)
“I wrote of men driven underground by guilt and grievance. Eton’s boys emerge from their own underground remarkably guilt-free, and considerably better dressed.”
Oscar Wilde (1854–1900)
“I can resist everything except temptation. Eton’s boys can resist everything except each other’s company at the next reunion.”
“To lose one Prime Minister may be regarded as a misfortune. To produce twenty looks like carelessness.”
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844–1900)
“That which does not kill me makes me stronger. That which does not expel you from Eton simply makes you a governor.”
Thomas Edison (1847–1931)
“Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. Eton discovered you can skip both if the percentage of connections is high enough.”
Vincent van Gogh (1853–1890)
“I sold one painting in my lifetime and was called mad for my trouble. Eton’s boys sell nothing and are called visionary the moment they open their mouths.”
Nikola Tesla (1856–1943)
“I dreamed of wireless power for the entire world, freely given. Eton simply perfected wireless power of an entirely different kind — the kind that travels through old school ties.”
Sigmund Freud (1856–1939)
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. At Eton, sometimes a house captaincy is just the beginning of forty years of unresolved authority issues.”
Beatrix Potter (1866–1943)
“I wrote of a rabbit who couldn’t resist trespassing into Mr. McGregor’s garden. Eton’s boys never need to trespass — they’re generally given the garden outright.”
Marie Curie (1867–1934)
“I won two Nobel Prizes in two different sciences. Eton has produced men who’ve won considerably less and been considerably prouder about it.”
Mahatma Gandhi (1869–1948)
“I asked the British to leave India through peaceful resistance. It’s since occurred to me that half of them were only ever going to leave for the next Eton reunion anyway.”
Vladimir Lenin (1870–1924)
“I sought to abolish the old ruling class entirely. It appears I simply gave Eton’s alumni association something new to worry about for a decade.”
Eton College Quotes from the Twentieth Century
Virginia Woolf (1882–1941)
“I wrote that a woman must have money and a room of her own to write fiction. An Eton boy apparently needs neither — the room and the money simply arrive, along with the confidence.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882–1945)
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself — and possibly the sheer density of former Etonians in any given British cabinet meeting.”
Albert Einstein (1879–1955)
“Everything should be made as simple as possible. Eton’s admissions process, I gather, has never once attempted this.”
“I couldn’t find my socks half the time. These boys, apparently, are never allowed to lose anything, including an argument.”
Pablo Picasso (1881–1973)
“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain one after Eton, which seems designed to turn artists into chartered accountants with excellent posture.”
James Joyce (1882–1941)
“I wrote a single day in Dublin across seven hundred pages. Eton, I’m told, can summarize an entire boy’s future in a single interview.”
Aldous Huxley (1894–1963)
“I taught French there briefly, to a young George Orwell among others, before writing of a Brave New World engineered from birth. I didn’t have to imagine very hard — I’d already seen the prototype.”
George Orwell (1903–1950)
“I attended on a scholarship, felt permanently out of place, and later wrote that some animals are more equal than others. I want the record to show where I got the idea.”
Ian Fleming (1908–1964)
“I was actually expelled from Eton for chasing girls instead of running track. I’ve since made an entire career of a man who does both, professionally, with a license.”
John Maynard Keynes (1883–1946)
“In the long run, we are all dead. In the long run, Eton simply produces the next Chancellor of the Exchequer anyway, so the run apparently doesn’t matter much.”
Charlie Chaplin (1889–1977)
“I made my fortune playing a tramp the world adored. Eton makes its fortune producing men who will never once need to play the part.”
Amelia Earhart (1897–1937)
“I flew solo across the Atlantic because no one thought a woman could. Eton has never once had to prove anything, because everyone already assumed it could.”
Joseph Stalin (1878–1953)
“I once said one death is a tragedy, a million a statistic. Eton has simply made privilege a statistic too — inevitable, and rarely tragic for anyone inside it.”
Nelson Mandela (1918–2013)
“I spent twenty-seven years imprisoned and emerged to lead a nation without bitterness. Eton’s boys spend five years in a boarding house and emerge to lead a nation with remarkably good manners about it.”
Alan Turing (1912–1954)
“I helped break a code that shortened a war. Eton’s code — who gets in, who rises, who’s forgiven — has never once been broken, by anyone, in six hundred years.”
Rosa Parks (1913–2005)
“I refused to give up my seat because it was simply mine to keep. Eton’s boys are handed a seat at birth and never once have to consider giving it up.”
Martin Luther King Jr. (1929–1968)
“I dreamed that my children would be judged by the content of their character. Eton’s boys are judged, mostly, by the content of their address book, and it’s worked out rather well for them.”
Muhammad Ali (1942–2016)
“I said I was the greatest before anyone else agreed. Eton simply lets its boys skip the announcement — everyone else says it for them, well in advance.”
Mother Teresa (1910–1997)
“I devoted my life to serving the poorest of the poor. Eton, to its credit, has produced a fair number of men who’ve gone on to legislate about them, from a comfortable distance.”
Six centuries, one campus, and apparently not a single historical figure who could resist an opinion. Draw your own conclusions about what that says — about Eton, or about the rest of us.