Eton Lost Property Office Declares Independence From Reality
Eton Lost Property Office Declares Independence From Reality | Cupboard of unclaimed jumpers now larger than several actual classrooms
Housemaster’s Forgotten Wedding Anniversary Rescued by Quick-Thinking House Prefects
Housemaster’s Forgotten Wedding Anniversary Rescued by Quick-Thinking House Prefects | A demanding week at school nearly leads to a genuinely awkward evening at home
Pupil’s Habit of Sharing Genuinely Excessive Personal Detail While Simply Queuing Baffles Fellow Pupils
Pupil’s Habit of Sharing Genuinely Excessive Personal Detail While Simply Queuing Baffles Fellow Pupils | A brief wait for lunch has repeatedly become an opportunity for considerably more disclosure than requested
Sixth Former’s Small Cryptocurrency Experiment Teaches a Genuinely Expensive Lesson
Sixth Former’s Small Cryptocurrency Experiment Teaches a Genuinely Expensive Lesson | A modest pocket-money investment provides a memorable, if costly, education in risk
Summer Fete’s Coconut Shy Stall Becomes Unexpectedly Fierce Battleground
Summer Fete’s Coconut Shy Stall Becomes Unexpectedly Fierce Battleground | A simple charity fundraiser stall turns into the day’s most competitive attraction
House Debating Society Votes on Whether the Uncle Is a Traitor and Old Boys Are Very Much Discussed
A packed Michaelmas Half debate considers the Prince William story, with two former Etonians at its centre and a motion nobody could agree how to word This House Believes ETON – The house debating society met on Thursday evening for what the secretary described as the most heavily attended motion of the Michaelmas Half, after a copy of the London…
Wall Game Veterans Say the Royal Feud Is Exactly Like the Wall Game: Enormous Effort, No Goals, Nobody Wins
Eton most famously baffling sport offers a surprisingly accurate model of the Prince William traitor story, according to boys who have played it Against the Wall ETON – Veterans of the Eton Wall Game, the ancient and famously bewildering contest in which two sides push against each other along a brick wall for an hour and very rarely score, say…
Pupil’s Deliberately Loud Chewing Video Series Draws a Genuinely Devoted, if Somewhat Puzzled, Following
Pupil’s Deliberately Loud Chewing Video Series Draws a Genuinely Devoted, if Somewhat Puzzled, Following | An unusual content niche has found real appreciation among a small but committed audience
Eton Politics Society Debates Whether School Itself Counts As A State
Eton Politics Society Debates Whether School Itself Counts As A State | Philosophical tangent nearly derails scheduled current affairs session entirely
Pupil’s Genuine Paranoia About Unknown Phone Numbers Has Never Once Actually Been Justified
Pupil’s Genuine Paranoia About Unknown Phone Numbers Has Never Once Actually Been Justified | A consistent pattern of cautious anticipation has never once produced anything more significant than routine spam
Pupil’s Holiday Dog Training Project Yields Mixed but Entertaining Results
Pupil’s Holiday Dog Training Project Yields Mixed but Entertaining Results | Weeks of dedicated effort produce one impressive trick and considerable chaos
First Stand-Up Comedy Open Mic Night Produces One Genuinely Painful Silence and One Breakout Star
First Stand-Up Comedy Open Mic Night Produces One Genuinely Painful Silence and One Breakout Star | An evening of amateur comedy delivers exactly the mixed results everyone expected
Pupil’s Genuine, Self-Inflicted Guilt About Not Visiting the Estates Dog Enough Amuses Housemates
Pupil’s Genuine, Self-Inflicted Guilt About Not Visiting the Estates Dog Enough Amuses Housemates | A busy exam schedule has produced considerable, entirely self-directed remorse about a fairly minor omission
Pupil’s Habit of Prefacing Every Obvious Statement as a Genuine ‘Hot Take’ Baffles Housemates
Pupil’s Habit of Prefacing Every Obvious Statement as a Genuine ‘Hot Take’ Baffles Housemates | A dramatic verbal framing has been applied consistently to observations nobody would actually dispute
Mismatched Study Habits Test Diplomacy Between Shared Room Pair
Mismatched Study Habits Test Diplomacy Between Shared Room Pair | One boy’s early rising clashes with his roommate’s determinedly nocturnal routine
Tuck Shop Online Ordering App Crashes on Launch Day, Queue Chaos Follows
Tuck Shop Online Ordering App Crashes on Launch Day, Queue Chaos Follows | New digital system meant to speed things up instead brings service to a standstill
Eton Student Council Votes To Abolish Itself, Changes Mind By Teatime
Eton Student Council Votes To Abolish Itself, Changes Mind By Teatime | Brief dissolution vote reversed after nobody could agree who would run things instead
House Wellbeing Peer Buddy’s Genuine Enthusiasm for Actually Discussing Other People’s Business Draws Amusement
House Wellbeing Peer Buddy’s Genuine Enthusiasm for Actually Discussing Other People’s Business Draws Amusement | A genuinely well-intentioned support role has developed a rather less discreet reputation than intended
Fourth of June Boat Procession Sees One Crew Briefly Out of Sync With Everyone Else
Fourth of June Boat Procession Sees One Crew Briefly Out of Sync With Everyone Else | A single misjudged stroke sends ripples of gentle confusion through the formation
Eton Locks Down Student iPads
Eton Locks Down Student iPads After Boys Discover Elite Education Is Much Easier When You Ignore It and Play Games All Day Centuries of academic tradition defeated by the discovery that homework competes poorly against unlimited entertainment ETON, BERKSHIRE – Eton College has tightened restrictions on student iPads after parents complained that devices intended for education were sometimes being used…
House Escape Room Outing Ends With One Team Still Trapped as Time Runs Out
House Escape Room Outing Ends With One Team Still Trapped as Time Runs Out | A confident group underestimates the final puzzle by a significant margin
Nationwide Queue Shortage
Britain Announces Nationwide Queue Shortage, Forms Queue to Complain About It National Crisis Deepens After Citizens Forced to Approach Counters Immediately LONDON — Britain entered unfamiliar constitutional territory Tuesday after officials confirmed that several public buildings had temporarily run out of queues, forcing shocked citizens to walk directly to service counters without first spending 35 minutes staring at the back of…
1970s London Slang
1970s London Slang: Twelve Words That Now Need a Translator Twelve once-obvious pieces of 1970s London slang and everyday reference that now require footnotes, a translator and a visibly concerned grandchild LONDON — There comes a terrible moment in every Londoner’s life when you make what you believe is a perfectly normal cultural reference and discover everyone under thirty-five is staring…
Britain Wants Closer EU Ties
Britain Wants Closer EU Ties, Discovers Brexit Was Apparently Just a Trial Separation New Poll Finds 70% Want Brussels Closer, Although Britain Remains Admirably Unclear About What “Closer” Means Britain has apparently entered the “maybe we should see other people but still share the Costco membership” phase of Brexit. A new POLITICO/Public First poll reports that 70 percent of British adults favor some…