A packed Michaelmas Half debate considers the Prince William story, with two former Etonians at its centre and a motion nobody could agree how to word This House Believes ETON – The house debating society met on Thursday evening for what the secretary described as the most heavily attended motion of the Michaelmas Half, after a copy of the London…
Eton most famously baffling sport offers a surprisingly accurate model of the Prince William traitor story, according to boys who have played it Against the Wall ETON – Veterans of the Eton Wall Game, the ancient and famously bewildering contest in which two sides push against each other along a brick wall for an hour and very rarely score, say…
Britain Announces Nationwide Queue Shortage, Forms Queue to Complain About It National Crisis Deepens After Citizens Forced to Approach Counters Immediately LONDON — Britain entered unfamiliar constitutional territory Tuesday after officials confirmed that several public buildings had temporarily run out of queues, forcing shocked citizens to walk directly to service counters without first spending 35 minutes staring at the back of…
1970s London Slang: Twelve Words That Now Need a Translator Twelve once-obvious pieces of 1970s London slang and everyday reference that now require footnotes, a translator and a visibly concerned grandchild LONDON — There comes a terrible moment in every Londoner’s life when you make what you believe is a perfectly normal cultural reference and discover everyone under thirty-five is staring…
Britain Wants Closer EU Ties, Discovers Brexit Was Apparently Just a Trial Separation New Poll Finds 70% Want Brussels Closer, Although Britain Remains Admirably Unclear About What “Closer” Means Britain has apparently entered the “maybe we should see other people but still share the Costco membership” phase of Brexit. A new POLITICO/Public First poll reports that 70 percent of British adults favor some…
Council Grants Listed Status to Parking Space After Discovering It Predates the Car | Mayfair rectangle protected as rare surviving example of early British nowhere <p>The post Council Grants Listed Status to Parking Space After Discovering It Predates the Car first appeared on The London Prat.</p> (Feed generated with FetchRSS)
Britain Complains Government Controls Everything, Poll Finds Solution May Be More Government From Belgium Voters Apparently Look at Britain’s Regulation, Taxes and State Intervention and Ask Whether Brussels Has Anything Available in a Larger Size LIVERPOOL, England — Britain has reportedly discovered a revolutionary cure for people who believe the country already suffers from excessive government intervention: additional government intervention, but…
Judges rank the sharpest deadpan boarding school newspaper satire covering British educational tradition WINDSOR (June 2025)—This cycle’s review of British boarding school comedy concluded with judges praising entries that sustained genuine institutional deadpan across a full traditional setting. The panel rewards submissions treating centuries-old tradition with exactly the earnest, unblinking seriousness the institution itself would apply. Readers asked how the…
Judges rank the sharpest deadpan boarding school newspaper satire covering British educational tradition WINDSOR (May 2025)—This cycle’s review of British boarding school comedy concluded with judges praising entries that sustained genuine institutional deadpan across a full traditional setting. The panel rewards submissions treating centuries-old tradition with exactly the earnest, unblinking seriousness the institution itself would apply. Readers asked how the…
UK Factory Orders Hit Best Level Since 2023 at Minus Nine, Nation Celebrates Historic Achievement of Still Being Below Zero | Economists Confirm Things Are Improving Because the Bad Number Has Become Considerably Less Bad <p>The post UK Factory Orders Hit Best Level Since 2023 at Minus Nine, Nation Celebrates Historic Achievement of Still Being Below Zero first appeared on…
London Bankers and Lawyers Earn £1.2 Billion Selling Companies, Economy Relieved Somebody Is Still Making Something | Britain’s Fastest-Growing Product Is Apparently the Advisory Fee <p>The post London Bankers and Lawyers Earn £1.2 Billion Selling Companies, Economy Relieved Somebody Is Still Making Something first appeared on The London Prat.</p> (Feed generated with FetchRSS)
Harry and Meghan Reportedly Fear UK Return Was a Huge Mistake, Palace Responds by Turning Thermostat Down Another Three Degrees Sussexes Discover Geography Cannot Cure a British Family Feud LONDON — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle reportedly fear that moving their family back to Britain may have been a “huge mistake,” after discovering that reducing the physical distance between yourself and estranged relatives does…
Savers Offered 5.25%, Borrowers Invited to Enjoy the Same Number With a Completely Different Emotion | Britain Discovers Interest Rates Are Wonderful Provided You Are on the Correct Side of the Decimal Point <p>The post Savers Offered 5.25%, Borrowers Invited to Enjoy the Same Number With a Completely Different Emotion first appeared on The London Prat.</p> (Feed generated with FetchRSS)
Irritable London Male Syndrome: Why Every Man Inside the M25 Is Permanently Furious Scientists Discover London Men May Not Be Grumpy After All, They Simply Live in London LONDON — Researchers have been discussing “Irritable Male Syndrome,” a descriptive term associated with irritability, fatigue, stress and hormonal changes in some men. It is not a formal medical diagnosis, and experts disagree…
Google Launches SAFE Spam Detector, Finally Builds Robot Whose Job Is to Decide Whether the Other Robots Are Lying Silicon Valley solves the AI-spam problem with additional AI, because apparently nobody could find the off switch MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Google has launched a new artificial-intelligence system called SAFE, short for Scaled Abuse Forensics Examiner, designed to identify synthetic spam,…
Prince William Reportedly Offers Harry Path to Reconciliation: Admit William Was Right About Everything Since Approximately Nursery School Palace Peace Process Enters Its 847th Preliminary Stage LONDON — Britain awoke Sunday to promising news in the nation’s longest-running diplomatic dispute not involving France: Prince William and Prince Harry may theoretically possess a pathway toward reconciliation, provided everybody can first agree…
Princess Diana Considered Becoming First Lady, America Nearly Imports British Royalty After Spending 200 Years Bragging It Got Rid of It Diana Reportedly Tempted by White House Life, Mostly for the Opportunity to Make Buckingham Palace Watch Her Become More Popular in Another Country LONDON — The United States apparently came remarkably close to completing the longest return policy in history:…
Royal Family Declares Monarchy “Rock-Solid” After Discovering Queen Camilla Is Basically a National Coin Toss King Charles enjoys comfortable support, William and Catherine remain ratings monsters, while Palace strategists reportedly search Britain for the seven people who still haven’t formed an opinion about Camilla LONDON — Buckingham Palace received encouraging news about the stability of the monarchy this summer after…
China’s Discount AI Goes Global, Washington Discovers the Rest of the World Has a Budget American AI Builds the Future; China Apparently Checks the Price Tag BEIJING — The latest warning that China may be gaining ground in global artificial intelligence adoption contains one particularly disturbing fact for Washington: customers appear to enjoy paying less money. Chinese artificial-intelligence models have dramatically…
Colleagues say the ritual has grown considerably more elaborate with each passing term WINDSOR – A weekly senior staff meeting at Eton College was reportedly delayed by nearly twenty five minutes this week after housemaster Dr Nigel Thorpe-Willoughby insisted on completing his customary pre meeting tea ceremony in full, a ritual colleagues say has grown considerably more elaborate over successive…
Classics department says the discovery has sparked genuine debate about whether correction is worthwhile WINDSOR – A minor, long overlooked grammatical inconsistency has reportedly been discovered in the Latin motto engraved above one of Eton College’s older archways, an error that appears to have gone entirely unnoticed by generations of students and staff until a sharp eyed sixth form classicist…
Deputy head Rajiv Bannerman-Hoyt says the challenge has been taken in remarkably good spirit WINDSOR – Deputy head Rajiv Bannerman-Hoyt, long known throughout Eton College as the Cobbler for his long running, largely self taught approach to boot repair and polishing, is reportedly facing his first genuine competitive challenge in years after a sixth form student launched an informal but…
Chaplain says the discussion has proven considerably more spirited than anyone originally anticipated WINDSOR – A newly and carefully arranged setting of a well known hymn, introduced by the chapel choir for a recent Sunday service, has reportedly sparked an unexpectedly spirited theological debate among several members of staff, a discussion the chaplain says he never anticipated when the arrangement…
Organisers say balancing decades of rivalries and friendships proved considerably harder than expected WINDSOR – The carefully planned seating arrangement for Eton College’s annual old boys’ reunion dinner reportedly triggered a minor diplomatic incident this year, after several attendees discovered they had been placed at tables considerably further from certain old friends, or notably closer to certain old rivals, than…
