Meta-apology process reaches third round of committee review
Windsor, Berkshire
The Eton College Prefect Body has begun drafting a formal apology for a previous formal apology issued last term, after several boys raised concerns that the original statement, addressing a disputed corridor-running policy, had itself caused what one Fifth Former called "a secondary wave of mild offence, procedurally speaking."
Head Prefect Jonathan Aldous-Fitch confirmed the new apology is currently in its third round of committee review, with drafts circulating among prefects, housemasters and, briefly, a Third Former who was accidentally copied into the group chat and has since been asked, politely, to delete his replies.
What Went Wrong the First Time
The original apology, issued after a corridor-running crackdown was deemed by some to be "disproportionately enforced," reportedly used the phrase "mistakes were made on all sides," a construction several boys criticised as "grammatically evasive." Politics master Mr. Edward Carrow-Sinclair, who has been quietly tracking the saga, called the phrase "a masterclass in accepting responsibility for absolutely nothing, which I suppose is itself a kind of achievement for a sixteen-year-old."
The new apology is reportedly attempting to avoid similar criticism by being, in Aldous-Fitch’s words, "maximally specific about what exactly we are sorry for," a goal that has, so far, produced four separate working drafts, none of which the committee has been able to agree upon in full.
The Debating Society Weighs In
Unsurprisingly, the saga has become fodder for the Debating Society, which has scheduled a motion titled "This House Believes an Apology for an Apology Sets a Dangerous Precedent," a motion society president Alexander Whitmore-Pryce says he expects to be "extremely well attended, given the entertainment value alone."
Faculty advisor Ms. Priya Ashcombe-Reid, watching the process unfold, said she has never seen a student body "so thoroughly committed to procedural correctness over actual resolution," adding that she suspects the boys "have, at this point, forgotten what the original corridor policy even said."
A Growing Paper Trail
The Council’s records office now holds, by informal count, six separate documents relating to the corridor dispute: the original policy, the initial apology, three internal review memos, and the current draft apology-for-an-apology, which itself already has two footnotes disputing minor wording choices. Aldous-Fitch insists the paperwork is "proportionate to the seriousness of the matter," a claim several boys find difficult to reconcile with a dispute that began over running in a single corridor.
The Corridor Itself, Forgotten
Notably, the corridor running policy that started the entire saga remains, as far as anyone can determine, entirely unchanged and unenforced, a fact Carrow-Sinclair called "the most honest outcome of this whole process. Nobody actually cares about the corridor anymore. They care about the paperwork."
What Comes Next
The fourth draft of the apology-for-an-apology is expected to be circulated for feedback within the fortnight, with Aldous-Fitch cautiously optimistic it will be "the final version, barring further objections," a phrase several observers note he has used, verbatim, about each of the previous three drafts.
An Independent Review, Proposed
Amid growing fatigue with the process, a Fifth Former unaffiliated with the Prefect Body has proposed the creation of an independent apology review board, tasked specifically with vetting future apologies for grammatical evasiveness before release. Carrow-Sinclair called the suggestion "simultaneously the most cynical and most constructive idea to come out of this entire saga," and confirmed he has forwarded it, only half-jokingly, to the Student Council’s Oversight Panel for consideration.
The Panel, for its part, has acknowledged receipt of the proposal and confirmed it will be reviewed "in due course," a phrase several boys now recognise instantly as council-speak for "possibly never."
Wider Lessons, If Any
Ashcombe-Reid, asked what she hoped the boys might ultimately take from the episode, said she hoped it would teach them "that clarity, offered early and directly, saves considerably more time than a beautifully worded non-apology followed by three rounds of clarification." She conceded, however, that this lesson "may take rather longer than one term to fully land, given the evidence so far."
Aldous-Fitch, for his part, remains committed to seeing the process through, insisting that whatever the eventual outcome, "this school will have, at the very least, produced the most thoroughly documented corridor dispute in its recorded history," a legacy he seems, on balance, quietly proud of.
The Housemasters’ Group Chat
Behind the scenes, several housemasters have reportedly formed their own informal group chat purely to track the apology saga’s progress, treating each new draft with what one participant described as "the mild, helpless fascination of watching a very slow-moving traffic incident." Thorpe-Willoughby admitted he has taken to forwarding each new draft to colleagues "purely for morale purposes," and confirmed the chat has, at various points, generated more genuine laughter among staff than most actual assemblies this term.
"I don’t think the boys realise quite how closely this is being followed by the people meant to be supervising them," he said. "Which is, I suppose, its own small lesson about institutional oversight, even if not the one they were originally trying to teach themselves."
Disclaimer: This report was compiled under the editorial standards of The London Prat. Related reading: Funny News Articles This Week Funniest News Articles Funny News UK
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/
