Trainers, gaming subscriptions and mystery charges blamed for economic black hole
Windsor, Berkshire
An internal survey conducted by the Eton College Economics Society has confirmed what housemasters have long suspected: despite receiving what several parents describe as "a genuinely alarming amount of pocket money," the school’s boys remain, almost without exception, completely broke by the middle of each term.
Economics Society president Rajiv Bannerman-Hoyt, who led the survey, said the findings pointed to what he termed "a structural mystery of teenage liquidity." "We have boys receiving upwards of sixty pounds a week," he said, "and by Wednesday they are borrowing two pounds for the tuck shop and calling it a short-term loan."
The Trainer Economy
Footwear has emerged as the single largest line item in the average boy’s budget, with limited-edition trainers changing hands in dormitory corridors for sums that several housemasters describe as "more than I paid for my first car." One Fourth Form boy, who asked not to be named for fear of trainer-related social consequences, said he had queued for ninety minutes on his phone to secure a pair he now keeps "in the box, unworn, as an investment," a strategy his housemaster compared unfavourably to simply keeping the sixty pounds.
Style master Mr. Julian Fothergill-Wren, who informally monitors what he calls "the corridor fashion index," said trends now shift so quickly that a jumper deemed essential in September can be "social death" by half term. "I’ve seen boys retire perfectly good coats because a boy two years above them wore a slightly different coat once," he said. "It’s less fashion, more weather system."
Gaming, Subscriptions and the Digital Drain
The survey also identified gaming subscriptions and in-game purchases as a significant, if often concealed, drain on funds. IT master Mrs. Fatima Choudhry-Bell said the school’s network logs show a marked spike in downloads every Friday evening, coinciding, she noted drily, with "the exact hour allowances are traditionally paid." One boy reportedly spent an entire term’s phone credit on what he described only as "a very good sword," a purchase his father called "the least British investment I have ever heard of."
Artificial intelligence tools have also crept into the boys’ spending habits, with several subscribing to premium homework-assistance platforms that housemasters have mixed feelings about. Mr. Fothergill-Wren said he recently marked an essay on the Corn Laws that was "suspiciously well-structured for a boy who cannot reliably structure a sentence out loud," though he conceded he had no proof beyond "a strong hunch and twenty years of experience."
Where Does It All Go
Pressed for specifics, most boys surveyed could not fully account for their own spending. Bannerman-Hoyt’s report notes a category labelled simply "miscellaneous," which accounted for nearly a third of total expenditure across the sample and which he described as "the single greatest unsolved mystery in the school’s economic history, bigger even than what actually happens to the library’s missing chairs."
A Modest Proposal
The Economics Society has floated a voluntary budgeting scheme for next term, complete with spreadsheets, though early feedback suggests most boys intend to download an app for it instead, at a small monthly cost, which several observers note is precisely the sort of decision that produced this report in the first place.
The Second-Hand Market
A thriving informal resale economy has emerged in response to the trainer shortage, with boys buying and reselling footwear, jumpers and phone cases in what Bannerman-Hoyt calls "a genuinely impressive display of market forces, undermined only by the fact that most trades are settled in IOUs scrawled on the backs of prep sheets." One Fifth Former has reportedly built a small operation reselling limited trainers between houses, a venture his housemaster has quietly nicknamed "the exchange," and has so far declined to shut down, citing "a professional curiosity about where this goes."
Parents on the Other End of the Phone
Parents, for their part, describe a steady stream of requests for "emergency top-ups," typically arriving by text on a Thursday evening. Mrs. Araminta Cole-Whitby said her son’s most recent emergency involved "a phone case, apparently, that was somehow both essential and completely unavailable anywhere except one specific website," a request she granted "against my better judgement, and directly against the advice of the Economics Society newsletter I now apparently subscribe to."
The AI Factor, Financially Speaking
Beyond homework help, boys have also begun spending on AI-powered study planners, flashcard generators and, in one documented case, a subscription service that writes personalised motivational messages each morning. Mr. Fothergill-Wren said he confiscated one boy’s phone mid-lesson only to find it displaying the message "You’ve got this, champion," sent, apparently, by a piece of software the boy pays four pounds a month for. "I offered to say that to him for free," Fothergill-Wren said, "but he said it wouldn’t be the same coming from a teacher."
The Society’s Final Word
Bannerman-Hoyt’s report concludes with a recommendation that the school consider a formal financial literacy module, though he admits the Economics Society itself is not immune to the pattern it has identified. Asked about the Society’s own budget for next term’s guest speaker series, he confirmed it currently stands at zero, having been "spent, somehow, on trainers," a line he delivered with the flat, resigned tone of a boy who has, at last, understood his own data.
Disclaimer: This report was compiled under the editorial standards of The London Prat. Related reading: American Humour British Satire Weird News from Britain
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/
